So, I was in court the other day. The case was crazy messy. There were four attorneys. Kids, grandparents, parents, the dog, etc. Just about everyone had an attorney. We had to pull in extra chairs and counsel tables.

The Judge is giving us a "Don't you dare try this mess" look/settlement talk in chambers. We hash out an agreement, we haggle, we talk to our clients, we come back make a few tweaks and we have a sausage, I mean, a settlement (cough sausage sausage cough).

The Judge reads the settlement onto the record, we all chime in with our pet provisions etc. I've filled up two legal pad pages with notes.

Then the Judge asks, "Who wants to prepare the judgment?"

Crickets.

I'm thinking there's no prevailing party so I don't necessarily have to write this ugly bastard. Maybe someone will volunteer.

Crickets.

I start thinking, "Shit, I'm the petitioner, the moving party." If no one volunteers this ugly bastard will be my baby.

More analytical thinking kicks in, grandma's attorney doesn't give a rat's ass about the property division. He's not taking the judgment. Kid's attorney is the same fucking story. It's me or respondent.

That's when I look at respondent's attorney. He's doing his best impression of a certified expert pencil examination expert as he stares down into the pencil in his hand. It looks like he's trying to will it, or himself, invisible with just his mind/ mastery of the force. It's a technique I'm sure he first mastered in law school when he hadn't done the reading and thought he might get called on.

At that point I realized there was no walking out of this situation with all limbs intact and I through myself on the judgment. I told the judge, "As the moving party you're going to assign it to me so let's just pretend I volunteered to write it."
He smiled and said, "Fine with me, We're off the record." And he was out of his chair and back into chambers.

I'm realizing as I write this that there are four attorneys who have to sign off on the thing. Four of them. There's no way I'm walking out of here without a bunch of objections and another hearing.

Damnit.